R-E-S-P-E-C-T: find out what it means to me.

How do I define respect?
I don’t have to like someone to respect them. They don’t have to like me to respect me. Respect is not deference; it is seeing me, and being seen, hearing me and being heard. Acknowledging the soul to soul connection, the equal value we have in the universe – the reference point – the reverence point with one another. Now I know, it sounds like there needs to be reciprocity in my definition... but there does not have to be, it just feels nicer when there is.

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of
intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded" - Emerson


"Respect others, and they will respect you; accept others and they will accept you; and be willing to change if need be." Again, reciprocity MAY or MAY not occur.


My personal experience has certainly shown me that although I respect others, my interpretation of their action in the world to me is anything but respectful. I am not claiming victimhood, just observing the different levels of operation and expectation people have. How can a lover expect that repeated sexual encounters with others would not be experienced as disrespectful? How can a colleague expect that refusal to engage in conversation not be experienced as disrespectful? Misinterpretations? Mediations reveal that the communication "breakdown" clearly occurred. I suppose not everyone can like everyone. So conflict occurs.

What does it mean to have an attitude of respect in a conflict?
BECAUSE we begin as equal souls – then, mustering up the energies between us, whether it be


1) in a disagreement of opinion,
2) a armamentarium of power struggle,
3) a religious war, OR
4) a caffeinated call-out on the day’s struggle to get finished the work between us –

the inequality of our positions physically, psychologically, spiritually, powerfully dominates and the soul connection seems forgotten.

Often that equality and reverence of energies across universal time and space is lost in heated disagreement UNTIL we call it up by simply pausing --- breathing again --- the moment of presence when we are mutually courageous, mutually mature, when we take hold of each other’s hands [literally or figuratively] and listen to the common heart beat that is present inside both our physical selves.

What usually happens in the preparation for negotiations for peaceful resolution to armed conflict is
a) the parties sit across from one another
b) in a big room,
c) separated by a big table,
d) unable to hear each other’s heart beats,
e) only able to see the eyes of their “enemies”, staring and daring.

Resolution comes only from reverence for all the participants, the courage to be humble, curious, caring, maturity, to be trustworthy without being wholly trusting, seeking first to understand – listening and clarifying and listening again – before ever being understood.



Qualities of mind that contribute to an attitude of respect:

• Being present: Staying in the moment even as it vibrates with fear or anger



• Being authentic: Staying open minded, open hearted, and being who you are



• Being inclusive: Keeping open to all possibilities, all options, all people



• Being responsible AND if these are not already "inside" these 4 you have named - they should be...
  
• Being wholly trustworthy without wholly trusting - TRUST is a big part of the conflict-respect dynamic - open minded, willing to listen without judgement
  
• Being courageous: Standing in the fire
  
• Being mature: Knowing yourself, your values and boundaries
  
• Constantly be open to learning and failing
  “Why do we fall? To learn how to rise again”. "Fall seven times – get up eight." Learning is part of the process of showing respect. For example, understanding that equity is not the same as equality or uniformity, and that diversity can cause division or be strength, depending on the situation. LEARNING must be part of the reverence, the respectful position. HOW do we learn in a position of respect from or within a place of conflict? We are vibrating with fear, anger, trying to hold ourselves in reverence and be reflective on our learning. Where do we come to learning and HOW do we KNOW that WE KNOW? In an energy jam-packed situation like conflict - where such things like anxiety and resentment are running amuck, we need mechanisms to jump out of those emotions and into a learning mode, to admit the failing and be joyful in the reverence for the learning - while continuing in conflict. Even if the other party is still vibrating at another tonality, not ready for learning, not awake to that possibility yet. HOW can it happen safely for everyone during the process of conflict?


• Seeking first to understand then to be understood
  
• Listening with an open heart, open mind, open eyes, no expectations of the other –
  
• Being curious, caring, humble - authenticity is all about humility - I am who I am: no more and no less

Two provocative quotes --

"Most people, even though they don't know it, are asleep... They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing we call human existence." Fr. Anthony de Mello

"For it is important that awake people be awake... the signals we give - yes or no or maybe - should be clear: the darkness all around is deep." William Stafford

These two quotes remind me of the tendency people have to think that they are awake when all the rest are sleeping and so it is our work to watch and be alert, our work to send the signals carefully, be on our guard. This tension, this difference that is set up, seems inclined to create conflict - the US- THEM situation. We who are enlightened will tell/awaken THEM who are not about the way things really are, how much better things could be IF ONLY they would follow us, hear us, let us lead them to the promised land.

My fervent hope is that none of the progressive movements going on these days lead to Conflict, lack of respect for what is, or loss of love or worse - more loss of life. All progressive movements speak well, but their proof is yet to be seen in action in world events. I have only seen Politics, not Progressives make things of monumental proportion sway. Maybe I am peering at the wrong scale. I may need to just look at the single person, single deed maps; at art, at communities, at micro-projects rather than continental shifts. Minds shift first, then tectonics.

Perhaps I am still sleeping and not ready to face the day. Or perhaps I have faced the day and would rather go back to sleep. Let each one come to the material and the learning in their time, we cannot be missionaries forcing the learning down throats and into minds. I am an evangelist who knows this is true and wants to change the world NOW, and realises that the world is not ready until it will be ready one person at a time.

And so...HOW do WE learn? not just me. not just one. WE. When a bunch of us are in a muddle, huddle and not all of us are in the same place, same stance, same present moment, authentic though each may be, genuine to the core, inclusive and responsible.

What is learning, what are we learning together? HOW is this learning transmitted to each person? Is learning a process that cannot be recognized in this conflict situation? Acknowledged among the members and figured out - dialogue, ESP, written word, art, HOW do we learn and know that we did indeed learn and show our colleagues within the conflict - on the other side - that indeed we did learn what they were showing us -- what we needed to know.

In wrapping up, I have borrowed a friend's "manifesto" from her Web site, which speaks of a certain maturity and respect for the universe and its truth. It always makes me laugh, smile and giggle when I read it because of its inherent truths. It's nice of you all to "listen" to the off-the-wall stuff I put up here. I hope some of it has been useful.

“As I've Matured...

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
  
• I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
  
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
  
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  
• I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
  
• I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
• I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
  
• I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
  
• I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
  
• I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
  
• I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  
• I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
  
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  
• I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  
• I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your friends did it.
  
• I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
  
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.”
  

When we go forward with joy, we are not being disrespectful, we are being brave.

Respect is all about giving reverence to the soul of the other person.

"TAH-shay DELL-ay"

as they say in Tibet...

The life-spirit in me honours the life-spirit in you.

Namaste.