Conflict > Love or War?

Compromise is a dirty word in my world. I will not speak the word aloud. I search for a better way where we can each win or we make no deal and walk away. I cannot compromise. I will not lose. Call me a sore loser, a bad loser, whatever. Compromise is losing - whatever its dressed up as.

Covey designed Win-Win or No deal and I agree with the approach completely. Such an approach builds trust and respect among the people negotiating and even if you cannot close a deal today, the gate is open among the folks for talk tomorrow.

From the Dictionary -

Conflict - "to strike together; competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons); mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands"

Competitive - "to strive consciously or unconsciously for an objective (as position, profit, or a prize) : be in a state of rivalry."

Opposing - "to place over against something so as to provide resistance, counterbalance, or contrast; to place against something; to offer resistance to."

Incompatible - "incapable of association or harmonious coexistence."

Antagonism - "opposition of a conflicting force, tendency, or principle; actively expressed opposition or hostility."

Divergent - "differing from each other or from a standard."

Struggle - "to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition; to proceed with difficulty or with great effort."

Demands - "an act of asking especially with authority; something claimed as due; the quantity of a commodity or service wanted at a specified price and time; the requirement of work or of the expenditure of a resource."

PHEW. Wow - now that is War. Hell and damnation. Bumping up against each other with everything you've got, to get everything the other guy has, just because you disagree about something.

Here is MY PERSONAL definition of CONFLICT: Spark! - IF you strike together, often sparks Fly!

Conflict is a creative cauldron and it burns red and cool - cool like jazz, like improvisational riffs, so that when the conflict players are tossing around the conflict and IF they know whereof they speak, i.e. they are professional players - not bomb throwers and terrorists - but builders of NEW and BETTER - then they often tear down the old and burn down the ruins - and may salvage the bricks and mortar, stockpile.

Conflict is raw. Like brain storming, where everything goes. Arguing, shouting, Listening, pouting. Looking, shaking heads, pointing fingers, painting and drawing lines. Drawing blueprints. Scheming. It is NOT WAR. It is disagreement, and not censuring. Not seeing the same picture at the same time in the same place. Conflict is FEAR out LOUD. In a place where FEAR out LOUD is safe to be. And if done in a group, if done well, if done creatively, even with two people, IF it is done creatively so that, learning and growth occurs - then Conflict is COOL. No one is harmed physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally by the experience. In situations like this, People engaged in Conflict have to be courageous, resilient, creative, patient, humble, ready. They have to know about LOVE.

From the Dictionary

Discuss -"to Shake apart; to investigate by reasoning or argument : to present in detail for examination or consideration."

To discuss is part of being in conflict - loud and long. Conflict is the Spark! Discussion is the Air that feeds the flame. And feeding the fire itself? Fear out loud. All the talk back and forth, accusations if hurled, stories told, truth or lies, fear out loud. Gestures, animated, complaints, looks of scorn, threats and judgments, fingers pointed, bricks hurled through windows, fear out loud. Concussions, repercussions, discussions... Conflict. Stories must be told.

How can this begin to be reconciled? How does fear out loud over there, and fear out loud over here get recognized as fear - fear - fear --- just one word?

From the dictionary,

Fear - "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger; anxious concern; reason for alarm; profound reverence and awe especially toward God."

We could turn to our respective Gods and humbly ask for guidance. We might even, in a higher moment turn to each other's God and ask forgiveness, which might be a better tactic in conflict. And we might ask our companion in fear, to sit with us as we listen to her stories of their fears, as we sit so that they are as safe as they can be. And we listen sincerely, humbly.

PERHAPS while listening, we could reflect upon what we hear - show them we are listening by creating visually and/or musically and/or otherwise IF appropriate, a tangible interpretation of the stories heard. And then give this to her as a gift. Tears in a handkerchief may be all that is necessary sometimes.

But usually... we likely feel music coming on...

When you're alone and life is making you lonely

You can always go - downtown

When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry

Seems to help, I know - downtown

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty

How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

So go downtown,

things'll be great when you're Downtown -

no finer place, for sure

Downtown - everything's waiting for you

Don't hang around and let your problems surround you

There are movie shows - downtown

Maybe you know some little places to go to

Where they never close - downtown

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova

You'll be dancing with him too before the night is over

Happy again
---

I admit, I need conflict in my life - I need the push- pull to create and generate passion. Peace is too passive for my tastes. Conflict when done right is good for the soul. But it's seldom done "right" - hardly anyone wants to argue these days.

Someone recently reminded me... It's not the unanswered questions, it's the Unquestioned Answers we have to worry about! And we need to stand up and gripe about those big assumptions in the unquestioned answers. Ass being the operative part of that phrase.

But who stands up anymore? Folks seem mostly afraid of getting their heads bitten or blown off.

I am fortunate in my life to have a partner who listens and dances with me in creative community. Even though we live far apart, we hear each other and push - pull together for each other every day. I'm not one to pick a fight but I do like to play devil's advocate in a group when we are ragging on about some topic or another.

These days, folks at work stay away from me, because they know I am "that way" so I am a sort of pariah. Still I keep a cheerful disposition and whistle a happy tune. A good humour and laughing helps a lot to make the time pass.

In my life, I was delivered this poem gift recently.

Fire - by Judy Brown
What makes a fire burn

is space

between the logs,

a breathing

space.
Too much of a good thing, too many logs

packed in too tight can

douse the flames almost

as surely as a pail

of water would.

So building fires

requires attention to the spaces

in between

as much as to the wood.
When we are able

to build open

spaces in

the same way we

have learned to pile

on the logs,

then we can come

to see how it is fuel, and absence

of the fuel together,

that make fire possible.

We only need to lay

a log lightly

from time to time.
A fire grows

simply because

the space is there,

with openings

in which the flame that knows

just how it wants to burn

can find its way.