Considering My Own Meaningfulness

If I were a scientist working in a big lab, I’d shout “Eureka!” every so often just to boost morale.
– Hallmark card on my desk

Do I begin with a basic level – the primal chord? Am I number one; Me [do re mi...], Soul - a beat of its own, sole survivor, prima, hold-on [my own long form for holon], diva, monad, single, solo? Am I the basic level of meaning? notice how the letter "I" also looks so grand standing upright like a 1. hmmm.

Wait - is there a zero? Is that zero the ultimate – eternal – infinite? ...0 ... and then, How far can I split half of my soul after I die anyway? If I were infinite energy and could divide or multiply, how many pieces could I become? Infinitely small indeed, as I did in the first millisecond after the Big Bang – when I became God’s Debris, as Scott Adam’s [yes, Dilbert’s Scott Adams] called it in his book. So, before the Bang, I was zero, the first level of meaning.

And now at my simplest, I am one, just me.

And at my most complex, I am all, encompassing the universe, the stars, galaxies, universes beyond knowing, light years 14 billion growing, history and future, time, space and light, still sowing, going. flowing.

But in my mostly present self, uh, most presently self, I am in between those meanings – I am a storyteller, a maven of madness and harried harangues. I am likely wavering, mostly simpler than complex, although as complex how simple can it be to be all in all.

Can personal meaningfulness be expanded?
Are we imagining this level of meaningfulness is a parking lot and I just need to expand it a bit on the western side for hybrid vehicles? Or on the southern side maybe? I don’t mean to be occidental. Excuse me for thinking visually – it is a troublesome glitch perhaps, but it does guide me through these language puzzles.

Perhaps meanings and levels are a topic of conversation among people when they are ready to have that dialogue - and maybe I am not ready to expand my own meaningfulness yet, in this lifetime. I can only hint at the idea that there are layers of meanings, which go from simile to metaphor to love and shadow to whatever works beyond. It really must work in the universe after all.

What do I think constitutes a global mind?
In my view, “global mind” refers to one world thinking, removing the blinkered boundaries from nations, from between living systems, economic systems, and artificial environmental systems and beginning to consider collaborative actions among these systems to create a better world. What humans must be careful about is the tendency to over think and over act.

The natural and cultural evolutionary systems, if allowed to move freely can make collaborative actions of their own that if observed closely, humans could learn from and adapt to economic and artificial systems we create for the environmental or living systems we need to sustain ourselves. Bio-mimicry is one of many places where this is happening now. I am not one to believe that technology will save us. Nor will policy or regulatory turnarounds. I think disaster will have to occur for humans to behave in the profoundly different ways needed to survive drastic events like climate change.

Do I have what it takes? Do I have a global mind?
I certainly do not have what it takes to be a global mind. I can see global mindedness, I admire it, I imagine it, I can teach about it, I can preach about it. But I am not a global mind. It is not age, nor grace, nor habit, nor will. I am not the best of my generation. I am not worthy of saving for old age. I have too much stuff and not enough money saved to survive for a long time. I am living to die younger than older. I take medication that keeps me un-depressed enough to work, umm, shall I say, sane enough to work where I do.
NB: Sidebar: There is difference between being a global mind and being globally minded. I would submit to being considered the latter, not the former. Globally minded is thinking of one world united. John Lennon's Imagine lyrics if you will.

Though I love my work, it is the system that wears me out. So I am not globally minded. I am worn down. If I were a global mind, I would soar in the universe each day, unbent by daily cares and woes, here I go, swinging low, singing low, bye, bye birdie—ooo, noooo, birds stay alive forever, migrating north, migrating south, safe passage to wetlands and food, nesting grounds and resting grounds.

Since I do not consider myself a global mind, I would still like to look back over my personal evolution and consider my key trans/formation points, in order to highlight lessons to learn – perhaps as a map for future global mind folk – to avoid pitfalls. I will try to be brief – that is unlikely however- be prepared:

1. Adopted at 2 months of age, and fully knew I was adopted as soon as was possible to understand this – became a “special child” because I was chosen, as an only child of my parents. Lesson – you are no more special than anyone else, everyone is special.
2. Both father and mother had chronic illnesses. Mother had Type one diabetes; father had heart disease. My early career choice [age 6] – physician. Lesson – do not choose your career path too soon. It’s a hole you will have to dig your way out of.
3. Raped when I was 11. Told no one at the time although the culprit was caught a month later after attacking someone else in another rural community. Sexually assaulted by son of family friend at 13. Again, told no one because of threats and bullying. Lesson – speak up – this is not a secret to keep bottled up until you are 28 and wondering what happened. Parents Pay Attention.
4. Became scholar, athlete and sexless person in school and university. In high school, I was active in sports in our small school. In university I stayed in residence for 4 years, active in student life, but did not had no romantic life and no memory of the sexual assaults. Was not aware of myself as a lesbian.
5. Did not get into medical school, graduated from U of Calgary and succeeded at becoming a Respiratory Therapist – Clinical Instructor in Foothills Hospital @ Calgary. Lesson – find a way into the dream – back door or side door. Becoming an RT was the best way to realize that becoming a physician was easy but not for me at the time. As a Clinical Instructor, I taught Residents some things and saw interns [former classmates] humbled.
6. On a dare, applied for a job with Fed Gov. - succeeded in 1981. Since then, I’ve met passionate, creative, thoughtful people who want to pass on their know-how, their knowledge to me and to others. In the meantime, I learned about…
   --theatre arts, creative presentation skills, guerrilla theatre;
   --teaching adults, designing and facilitating for adult education;
   --my own creative juices, previously hidden, lost or dead;
   --Working in government; thinking nation-wide, acting locally; doing public service, getting harassed for doing my work by misogynists and homophobes, being uncivil inside government [only during the last 4 years]; Environmental citizenship, the Nature of Canada. Lesson – Love the work, make the system better from the inside every day, until you cannot anymore.
7. Came out as a lesbian by falling in love in 1982. Finally enjoyed a life with love in it. At 27! Lesson – Begin to wonder earlier than that what is going on and ask someone for help. Ask a friend – is something different about me?
8. Followed work and love around the country. Edmonton, Calgary, Ottawa. Back and forth. Took care of my mother when she was in her last year of life in Calgary. Lesson – Never regret spending time with someone who is dying, even if they are in denial about it – don’t argue with them – just be in their moment. Laugh as much as possible. [I had a great time that year – wish it could have been longer]
9. Studied the power of creating music in community with Ysaye Barnwell and/or Rhiannon @ Hollyhock several times over the years. Taken Life Song with Barclay MacMillan, which explores the soul using words and music, one’s own compositions to pray and celebrate and sing the songs of life.
   Lesson – music, art is a metaphor for the soul’s creative joy. Catch and release your creativity as often as possible.
10. Final someone found me and I fell in love with someone who understands me, is patient with my need to express myself, she listens to me, gives me feedback, she lets me care for her, even though she is fully capable of self sufficiency. She fell in love elsewhere and I loved her through it as a friend. She came back. We have a good give and take relationship again, a first for me, one in which I learn and live, stretch and am stretched.
    Lesson – when the going gets tough, love as much as you can through everything; love is what life is all about.
11. Fell into a circle of Global Mind-shift folk and have been conversing for about a year with them, off and on about The New Story, The Current Moment, About Emergence i.e. Conflict Resolution and now, about Practice – what we do to maintain our peace of mind, piece of mind while sharing pieces of our mind with others. Lesson – conversations in e-space are less difficult and heavier than face to face conversations. Here we can weigh the meaning of words, pause and refresh and reflect. Face-to-face words fly by unmeasured like knives hurled or flower petals tossed, sender and receiver unsuspecting, unsuspected.
    

What changes or experiences do I feel would be critical to making the transformation to becoming a global mind?

All ears, no mouth. All eyes.
Good strong heart.
Listen. Listen. And Listen again.
Think. Feel deeply.
Perceive. Conceive.
Act.
Assess.
Consult. Collaborate.
Learn. Adapt, Innovate, Improvise.
All eyes, all ears. Good heart.
Listen, listen, listen.
Think, feel deeply.
Perceive, conceive.
Act.
Assess.
Consult. Collaborate.
Learn, adapt, innovate, improvise.
Continue as required.
prn
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My Transformation does not occur because I do not act intelligently. I keep running into that same damn wall. Sooner or later I will either get the right tool to knock it down or build a way over, under or around it OR, die from a head injury OR move in the other direction. Yes, there appear to be so many options and yet I keep running at the wall. I know, I know - perhaps it's from the years before of head bashing... hehe, or my insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting different results... hehe.

Mad maven notwithstanding. I still feel vital enough in my role to carry on.

For now.